Hi, Miss Julie!

Ron Swanson’s best practices for libraries

When building your collections, remember:

You may have thought you heard me say I wanted a lot of bacon and eggs, but what I said was: Give me all the bacon and eggs you have.

What to avoid when designing library spaces:

Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It’s art. Anything is anything.

Remember, every reader his or her book; you are not there to enforce your tastes:

Chris: You and I will embark in a quick session of heart-rate meditation, focusing on conscious breathing and opening the heart shakra.
Ron: I’m not sure I’m interested in that. No, I am sure, I’m not interested in that.

Avoid hyperbole in employee reviews:

Jerry’s work is often adequate.

Keep this in mind when contemplating library renovations:

I don’t want to paint with a broad brush here, but every single contractor in the world is a miserable, incompetent thief.

Here’s all you need for awesome teen programs:

No home is complete without a proper toolbox. Here’s April and Andy’s: A hammer, a half eaten pretzel, a baseball card, some cartridge that says Sonic and Hedgehog, a scissor half, a flashlight filled with jellybeans.

The only phrase you need in department meetings:

Chris, you have come up with a plan so spectacularly horrible that it might ruin the entire department.

How to get everyone’s attention at storytime:

Everyone shut up and look at me!

What your coworkers are doing instead of actual work:

I’m going to type every word I know! Rectangle. America. Megaphone. Monday. Butthole.

Respecting privacy is paramount:

The less I know about other people’s affairs, the happier I am. I’m not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.